Have you ever actually meditated? I have.

I would recommend it.

What really is meditation anyway? Do you sit on the floor with your legs crossed and hold your hands out, close your eyes, and hum or something?? 

It doesn’t have to be. I think meditation is letting your mind go into a deep thought, with no distractions. It’s usually in a quiet environment with minimal interruptions. Sitting in a comfortable position maybe? Clearing the mind completely out, and focusing on a certain thought, or feeling. Dictionary.com says meditation is “continued or extended thought; reflection; contemplation.” It doesn’t have to be anything fancy. Anyone can meditate, anywhere.

So here is my example of a time I accidently meditated that led to an epiphany for me:

One day a few years back, I was sitting in the doctor’s office for what felt like an eternity. I was already in the little room checked in by the medical assistant now just waiting for the doctor to come in. At first I felt a little annoyed because it was taking so long. But then, I just sat there, and I realized I hadn’t had this much time alone; quiet in my own thoughts for a very long time (this happens when you have small children). It’s sad now that I think about it that alone time at a doctor’s visit was considered a break for me. And as I sat there, I went into a deep thought. Looking back, this was such a pivotal day for me in my life.

I thought about what it is that is most important to me in my life, how I can spend the most amount of time I can doing that, and how I can be the very best person I can be. Really, just the basic questions we all should ask ourselves, right? This is what guides the way we live our lives without us really thinking about it or putting this action into words. We live our life according to a set of priorities, whether we do it intentionally or not. 

So I thought to myself, my kids are what are most important to me right now in my life. I want to spend the most amount of time with them that I can, and I want it to be quality time. I want to raise them well. I want them to be healthy and smart. So, how do I go about doing that? Do I quit my job? No, then I have no money to be able to provide for them. OK, so I have to find balance. I need enough money to buy them necessities, plus make sure we have fun, and I provide them new experiences and opportunities. I also have to pay for quality childcare while I’m at work. These are all the financial type things to balance.

I want to spend time with my kids when I’m not working, but I want it to be quality time. I can’t run off and constantly be doing things for myself while they’re with a sitter, but I also need to make sure I find some time for myself so I keep my sanity. I want to enjoy the time I spend with them, not feel completely stressed out and at a loss for patience and yelling all the time. So these are things to consider when balancing my time doing this or that between work/home, and myself/kids.

Then I think about what feelings I have about myself and what kind of person I am, and in what light my kids see me. So, if I want to raise happy and healthy kids, they need a happy and healthy role model. So how do I make sure I can be one?  I think about all the things in my life that give me anxiety, and what eats away at my confidence. What things am I scared of? Now, how do I go about fixing those things? This is my mental health balance.

Well, I have anxiety in a social setting when I talk to people that I don’t know that well. For example, out at a party where I don’t know many people. Why do I feel anxious, I ask myself? Hmm… well I grew up in a family that didn’t do a lot of small talk. We were all pretty quiet and introverted. (I didn’t really realize this until later in life.) I’m not so good at making new friends, or having a lot of close relationships for that matter. I’m not so good at chit chat. But, I love to have deep, philosophical conversations and really go back and forth over a concept with someone. Some get annoyed, and may call this arguing, but this is how my dad and I roll. I like to talk about emotions, life, psychology, and why people are the way they are. I’m not a quick thinker or talker. I don’t come up with quick, witty responses. I think sometimes I have a weird sense of humor, or try to make weird jokes that often people don’t get. Anyhow, I feel like I have some mild social anxiety because of some of my personality quirks. Often I do a good job of covering it up, and you may never know when talking to me that I’m struggling, or have to put in a good amount of effort to seem “normal.” If I know you well and I am comfortable with you, I may not have to put in effort at all.

Anyway, what does all this mean? Well, I decided this social anxiety came from a lack of confidence in myself. I worry that I’m going to say something weird, and someone might think I’m weird. Any why do I care? Because I want to be liked. I think I am seeking for people to like me, because I don’t think I’m very likeable. Hmm.  Why aren’t I likeable? Well growing up, I looked up to my older brother a lot. And I think I felt like he didn’t like me very much. So that was a factor. Also, I never had a super close relationship with my mom. Come to find out, she is just wired that way, due to the way she was raised. It’s not a lack of love for me, she just doesn’t know how to show her emotions sometimes. Neither does my brother. I had a close friend that I grew up with and her home was practically my second home, her mom my second mom, and it worked out so well because they are the two most emotional people I have ever met in my life, in a good way. I guess a little bit of that rubbed off on me, and I have them to thank for a little bit of my normalcy in knowing how to express emotion.

Now, in this meditation, I realized that I needed to first work on the relationship with my mom in order to be comfortable with building relationships with other people in life. I didn’t have any sisters. All my friends I had growing up were pretty much the same ones throughout the years. I learned to make friends as a kid, and never really learned how to make friends outside of that, or keep relationships going. If I got upset or annoyed with someone, I just kind of backed off and took space from them until the feeling rolled away. I didn’t confront things.

So to build better relationships, I would be a happier person, and therefore be a happier mommy. I could teach my kids how to have healthy and happy relationships, and I could keep a happy relationship with them as well.  See how this all ties back to my stated priority of how do I raise happy and healthy human beings?

I believe every action we take indirectly affects those around us.

For example, if I choose to stay up late, this will affect not just me, but my family too. I might have less energy tomorrow, be grumpy, less productive. It may affect my immune system to where I will be more succeptible to getting sick. Others will have to pick up the slack due to me being less productive. I may perform lesser at work, and be less mentally alert. I may not want to play with my kids tomorrow or be as fun or patient with them as they deserve. See, all these possible outcomes simply from me making a choice to stay up later than normal, even if it was to do something productive or necessary rather than for fun. Maybe I chose to stay up and do laundry or clean. Maybe I stayed up so I could study or work on a project for work. The benefits of that might be necessary, it may be the only time I have to do whatever it is that needs done, but there are still consequences and my actions still effect those around me. So, I always need to take that in consideration. I also need to take ownership in my choices. See, it actually is a choice. Maybe by planning ahead, I could do the laundry today while the kids are napping, (instead of watching that TV show I was going to watch) so I can go to bed early tonight, so that I can be more well rested and present tomorrow with my kids.

Although, maybe I really needed that mental break while the kids were napping. Maybe I was already stressed and about to snap, so I needed to just sit and watch some TV instead of doing any more house work, and I wanted to put the housework off until after bedtime. I didn’t care if it made me stay up later, I just needed a mental break during naptime. Then, would it be worth it that I’ll feel tired and grumpy tomorrow in order to stay sane with my kids today? Also, this is why we shouldn’t judge other people’s choices. We are not in their heads or their shoes. They likely have reasons unknown to us why they chose to do what they did.

There’s always more than one way to look at a situation and decision. Just know that whatever you decide to do with your time, there are always good or bad consequences that go along with it. And as adults, we are able to choose our actions. Even if it means choosing to stay home from work for a mental health day, or stay up late to have some quiet time without kids, or wake up a little earlier than normal to get something accomplished. We can choose how we talk to others, whether it’s hurried and impatient, or kind and calm. That can set the tone for the day and affect other’s moods around us. These are all choices we can make when it seems like we are stuck and don’t have any control in our lives. 

So after this whole long drawn out story, what is the epiphany I had, you ask?

I realized that I am in control of my life and destiny, and I can choose what I want to happen, and I can choose who I want to be in this life. I can choose to be stressed, unhappy, rushed momma, and play the victim, or I can choose to see the positive and be happy and appreciative for what I have on this earth, and enjoy what time I have with my loved ones. I can choose to be brave, and outgoing, and take risks. I can choose to make my kids a priority and teach them all I possibly can, and speak to them warmly and lovingly and not treat them like a nuisance or annoyances. I’m blessed to be their momma. To them, I am their whole world. They won’t care what my clothes and hair and purse looks like. They won’t care if the house was always spotless and dusted, and the lawn was perfectly manicured all the time. They are going to care if their parents were loving, and patient, and spent time with them, and made them feel special and important.

So I’m going to do whatever I need to do to stay healthy so I can be around awhile for them, and take care of myself so I have energy to play with them. Have energy to efficiently take care of the house so I have more time leftover for them. Have strong mental health to be a good employee so I have money to spend on them, and to set a good example to them. I will manage my money responsibly so I will have less stress because I’m able to pay my bills on time and take care of the necessities.

I will keep healthy relationships so my children can see what they look like. The people in my life give me balance and keep me sane. I can bounce my thoughts and ideas off of them to keep me on track in life. It takes a village to raise kids. We also need witnesses to our lives. Ever think about that? What significance is our lives if there is no one to witness what we do, or no one to tell our stories to, or be in our stories with us. Our kid does something awesome, and what do we want to do, call someone up and tell them about it, right? Imagine having no one to tell any of your stories to. No spouse, no friends, no family. See, thinking about it, makes you realize how valuable the people in our lives are. Without them, we have nothing.

Ahhh. And you thought this was going to be some hippie post about how to meditate. Thank you for reading this very long post all the way to the end, that’s dedication. I hope you got something out of it. Now you know way too many details about me, more than you probably should or wanted to.

Leave me a comment if this helped you think about taking control and making changes in your life; how the smallest of choices have big effects; and how meditation can help you change your mindset, focus, and goals.

✌🏼 💜 🤓 Leah

(Written 12/23/2019)