By David C. Roberts

Life is short, I think. I mean, it seems

like just a short time ago I was enclosed in

darkness. I sent my tendrils downward to gain 

sustenance.

This is good for awhile but I can sense it 

is easier to move the other direction. I think I’ll

stay this course for awhile.

It’s unbelievable but my whole environment

has changed. I can see that all my brothers are 

gaining the same experience as me. Nearby I sense 

relatives achieving similar results. We’re striving toward a common goal but some have chosen to dress 

differently.

I wondered and was amazed that first time we

were visited by the articulated bipedal zenos, but

soon learned that they only wanted to chase away the

riff-raff. 

We’ve come to the time that we begin to share of 

ourselves with ourselves. New growth and a 

blossoming of who we’ve become. 

The zenos return and extract from 

me the best of what I’ve become. My brothers and

kin share the same fate.

I am only a portion of what I had become. I

retreat. I wither and return to the dark.

Who is the authority that can answer the question “What is the meaning of life?” Interestingly, I googled that question. Then I thought to myself as I was scrolling, who would be a valid, reliable source that I want to read, that could adequately answer that question? How do you prove yourself to be a “reliable” source for a question like that? Do you look to religious leaders? Philosophers? Psychologists? Or your most intelligent friend, your parents, your spouse?

I think the meaning of life, has to come from within. NO ONE can tell YOU what YOUR meaning in life is. Even if they tried, how can you validate that they’re right? What makes someone else the authority on YOUR life? Isn’t this a highly personal question? Lots of people can have opinions. They can hold multiple degrees from prestigious universities, but no two people will have the exact same answer. There is no guidebook to “living life” that we follow, to tell us what the “meaning” is. (Is there?) Some might look to the Bible. Others don’t believe in the bible. What is one person’s belief against another? (Hasn’t there been wars broken out over this in history?)

I wonder, if most people are going through life trying to find meaning, or their meaning, for their life. To find a sense of purpose. Everyone wants to make a difference, to stand out, to stand for something, to be remembered for something great. For their legacy to live on, so to say. I hope even a sliver of mine will carry on through my children.

I can only be as good of a mother as I am of a person. I am continually trying to grow, broaden, learn and strengthen my mind, perspectives, horizons, and relationships, while maintaining balance in my life. It requires constant work and focus. I sometimes grow weary, and have my moments of discouragement.

My overall purpose and desire in life is to leave a positive stamp on the world through demonstrating love, compassion and kindness to others, and nurturing and cultivating that in my children so they can do and receive the same. I hope for them to find joy everyday and flourish in this world.

Once again, I am reading the newest book by Brene Brown – “Atlas of the Heart.” I stumbled upon this book while I was browsing my local bookstore with my nieces. As I was standing there checking out, I saw on display, under “new arrivals” a book by Brene Brown. I didn’t care what it was, because I love Brene Brown so much, I knew I wanted to buy it.

This is a book all about different emotions, but is separated into different categories of feelings or situations we find ourselves in. It breaks down the feelings behind the feeling, when we’re sorting through something in life such as “when we’re hurting,” we’re feeling things such as anguish, hopelessness, despair, sadness, grief, and breaks down each emotion and how it differs from the other similar feelings. It is titled “Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience.”

In the “regret” section, she quoted George Saunders from his speech at a Syracuse University Graduation “What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness. Those moments when another human being was there, in front of me, suffering, and I responded…Sensibly. Reservedly. Mildy.”

That really caused me to pause, and reflect.

Try to picture yourself, at the end of your life, reflecting back on your moments of regret. Do you regret not taking that risk, not being vulnerable and putting yourself out there because you were scared and lacked confidence? Not daring to be brave and trying something new, to protect yourself from failing and risking embarrassment? Do you regret not trying something you know you could have achieved or enjoyed? What if you would have just went for it? What’s the worst that could have happened- you failed? OK, so you built character, you learned from it. You may have had a bruised ego, for like, a second. Then moved forward. You probably went on to do better than you would have, had you not tried and failed to begin with. Trying and failing helps us grow. Would you regret it if you stood idly by while someone else was picked on, and didn’t stand up for them- didn’t put yourself out there to help comfort or build that person up, when you know you could have? That is something to regret. That is what George Saunders is talking about.

Life is much better when you go out of your way to show kindness to someone else. Don’t look or ask for recognition for it either. You don’t need to tell someone else, or post it on social media, looking for people to “like” it or tell you “good job!” or what a good person you are. Skip that. Just do good, when you can, because you can. Feel good about yourself from an internal source, not from external validation. Trust that eventually, somewhere in the world, someday, it will carry forward and pay off, if you need to believe that in order to do it. Putting good out into the world actually will help make the world a better place. I whole heartedly believe in the ripple effect. In “paying it forward,” if you will. And you will feel better about yourself if you always make the choice that is “good,” not just for you, but you choose what is “right, and fair.”

I think when you live your life with integrity and morals, and with less judgement, you naturally build better self esteem. You don’t live in a “shame” state as much. You don’t feel as bad about yourself for being unkind, or lying or cheating, etc. and can move forward feeling good about your choices, which in turn helps you make more good choices. When we are feeling bad about ourselves, we make poor decisions to comfort ourselves sometimes, right? I know I have.

There is an epidemic going on right now with our society, and it starts with US. We are raising children who have anxiety about everything, who need INSTANT gratification, and do not know how to build healthy relationships. In my opinion, much of this is the result of technology. In many, many ways, advanced technology is wonderful and necessary, but are we paying close attention to what it is doing to our mental health, as a society?

How many people do you know right now, as adults, that have some form of anxiety or depression? It seems to be more people than not. Many are on medication or self-medicate one way or another. (And no, I’m not advocating that medication is bad.) There is so much pressure in society to compare to one another. We share snapshots on social media of our best selves, and curate “perfect” moments, and much of that isn’t even real, and even if it is, it is not an accurate picture of our everyday life. It is like trying to compare yourself to TV characters and think that is real life. No wonder kids feel depressed, or pressure to have this or that newest item.

Technology also gives you the “instant” response to everything. Kids grow up thinking that is how everything in life happens. They have the mentality of “If I don’t get immediate reward, I will go somewhere else and find it.” Steady, hard work and focus seems to be a thing of the past. People get too restless if a situation isn’t immediately ideal. They want all the reward and money to buy all the latest things right now, and if they can’t afford it, let’s put it on credit card.

I believe there has been an effort by society to take feelings and emotions more into account, which is a good thing, but it can also backfire. Now, instead of facts of a situation also being honored, someone’s feelings about a situation may be more highly honored. If I “feel” this way about something, or if someone “made” me feel this way, then it is true, (even if it isn’t true). Considering the context, this can be a positive or negative thing. Kids start to think they can use these feelings as a crutch – “I can’t complete this task because of my anxiety, I need a mental health break,” then they get out of whatever task they didn’t want to do, or became too hard, instead of using coping skills to work through it, and still get the job done. A person can develop grit and perseverance by being forced to try a little harder and push through to accomplish something. It’s a fine line, but usually this develops good qualities in a person.

On the other end on this same spectrum, more attention to mental health is a very good thing for those with true diagnoses, and who need the extra assistance and attention, who may otherwise had to struggle unnecessarily.

Recently I’ve really been into reading books by the amazing author Brené brown. I’m obsessed! I feel like reading her books is changing my life. Like I have found a golden roadmap for navigating life. It’s so exciting, and I feel like I want to share it with everyone! I have read “Dare to Lead” and “Rising Strong.” “braving the wilderness,” “The gifts of Imperfection,” and “Atlas of the Heart.” Here are some thoughts I’ve taken away so far that can be applied to any aspect of life whether it be work, relationships, raising kids, etc.

Brene’s books have taught me about courage and vulnerability. Vulnerability – to let someone know where you’re tender or what you care about the most.

“We need trust to be vulnerable, and we need to be vulnerable in order to build trust. BOTH involve risk. That is what makes courage so hard and rare. Rumbling with vulnerability is about leaning into rather than walking away from the situation that makes us feel uncertain, at risk, or emotionally exposed.”

“I can’t think of a single act of courage that doesn’t require managing massive vulnerability.” Vulnerability is not weakness.

What does setting boundaries mean? “It is making clear what is okay and what is not okay, and why. Vulnerability minus boundaries is not vulnerability. It’s confession, manipulation, desperation, or shock and awe. But it is not vulnerability.”

“I care about you and I’m sorry that you’re going through a hard time, but I need to talk to you about what’s ok and what’s not ok.” – setting boundaries.

“Wholeheartedness – engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. Cultuvating courage, compassion and connection to wake up in the morning and think “no matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I AM ENOUGH. Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable, and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am brave and worthy of love and belonging. Wholeheartedness captures the essence of a fully examined emotional life and a liberated heart, one that is free and vulnerable enough to love and be loved, and a heart that is equally free and vulnerable to be broken and hurt.”

Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval.

Why do we insist on dress rehearsing tragedy in moments of deep joy? Joy is the most vulnerable emotion we feel. Allow yourself to recognize the shiver of vulnerability – that “oh shit, I have something worth losing now” feeling – and to just sit with it, and be grateful that you have something you want, in your hand, that it feels so good to hold and recognize.

integrity- choosing courage over comfort, choosing what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy, and choosing to practice our values rather than simply professing them.

Deltas – (change) are where rivers meet the sea. They’re marshy, fully of sediment, and forever changing. That are also rich and fertile areas of growth. This is where we need to do our work, our key learnings emerge from the delta.

“Do you think, in general, that people are doing the best they can? All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best. It keeps me out of judgement and lets me focus on what is, and not what should or could be.”

When we know better, we do better.” Maya Angelou

Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.

How can we expect people to put value on our work when we don’t value ourselves enough to set and hold uncomfortable boundaries?

We don’t judge people when we feel good about ourselves. We don’t compare when we’re feeling good about ourselves, we look for what’s good in others. When we practice self-compassion, we are compassionate towards others. I’m better than you and I’m not good enough are two sides of the same coin. Self-righteousness is just the armor of self-loathing.

Reality check time. Sometimes, the struggle is real, y’all.

Life is not always pretty.

I try to be that happy, positive, nice person every day, but sometimes I just can’t. Sometimes I run out of juice.

Sometimes I just want a day to vent all my problems, and cry, and feel depressed, and act bitchy. I want to call off work for a mental health day. I want to take my kids to the babysitter just so I can be alone all day. I want to lay on the couch and watch TV and take naps. I want to just relax. I want to go get a massage and pedi/mani, have lunch with my friends and order too many expensive drinks.

Sometimes I just want to be lazy. Sometimes I let my kids watch tv or play on the computer for more hours than I’d like to admit just so I can relax. Sometimes I go a week or two with just wearing clothes out of the laundry baskets without them ever making it to a hanger. Sometimes I go to work and don’t feel like talking to anyone all day. I put my smile on and I just sit in my corner and do my job.

Sometimes I want to say screw the extra shifts, the extra projects, the house cleaning, all the shit I have to do or am supposed to do.

Sometimes I want to make bad choices, because they feel good. Sometimes I just want to give in, and live in the moment.

I really try to put good vibes out into the world. I try to be genuine, honest, kind and caring. I try to be a good mom and raise decent human beings. I try to spread hope and positivity. But dammit, sometimes the negative is too strong. Sometimes shit is depressing and it gets ya’ down and ya’ just need a day.

I’m a real person. I’m not always rainbows and sunshine. Sometimes I feel this way, but despite it all, I’m still out there trying to find happy and focus on the good stuff. You won’t see this side of me, or a post like this often, but here you go.

Always, just always remember, the next day I get back up, dust myself off, and go on with my badass self.

This post was written in the past, in what I like to call “the thick of it.”

When do you feel like you have “made it” in life? Would you describe yourself as “successful?” Does the answer to these questions change with time? If you were asked these questions 5 or 10 years ago, would you answer them describing your current situation, but now that you have it, does it feel like “success” is another step away? Does happiness equal success, or does success make you happy?

I believe the answers to all of these questions are quite subjective and very different to everyone. So, how can we compare our success to another person’s success? If we do not see a person as successful in our eyes, does that mean they are not, and vice versa? Who gets to define “success” in life? I believe we can only define it for ourselves.

This pondering always takes me back to the troubling thought of “I’ll be happy when…” which leads to never being satisfied, and not allowing yourself to fully feel happy with where you are in life. I think setting goals and pushing ourselves to be great is healthy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate where you are right now. It’s a fine line between a healthy amount of drive for self-improvement, and never feeling like “enough.”

“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we will ever do.”

Brene Brown

It’s been one year since I’ve posted.

Where do I begin?

It’s interesting how we never want to talk about, or publicize, what we’re going through while going through it. Only after the fact, once it’s done, in hindsight, can we openly talk about it. When the wound is fresh and raw, and vulnerability is at an all-time high, the mind races with anxiety. You’re just holding on to survive, hour-to-hour sometimes. Will people ask me about it, when I run into them out in public? How will I react? I’ll probably cry. I don’t have the strength for that. Will the school moms judge? I’ll stay away from public places, and I’ll avoid people in general, until I am strong enough, to not cry. How do you ever go back to “normal?” What about mutual friends? What about in-laws? Holidays? Co-parenting? Everything changes.

More time passes, and over the course of the year, the tears would still come whenever I’m alone behind the wheel. Whenever I hear certain songs. Especially whenever it’s pick up/drop off time. Whenever I have a minute to myself, to think. When I’m in the shower. When I see him. When someone innocently asks, “How are you? What’s new?” Honestly though, I have learned that most people don’t really care what’s going on in other people’s lives, because they’re just trying to figure out how to navigate their own, and if they want to gossip or judge, let them. (They are usually the ones we need to feel sorry for.)

“We don’t judge people when we feel good about ourselves. We don’t compare when we’re feeling good about ourselves, we look for what’s good in others. When we practice self-compassion, we are compassionate towards others. I’m better than you and I’m not good enough are two sides of the same coin. Self-righteousness is just the armor of self-loathing.” (Brene Brown)

Today, the tears come less often, (but they still hit sometimes, out of nowhere.) I can now wear mascara more often. Overall, I am much stronger. I can go weeks at a time without napping (my coping mechanism.) Is it just me or do heavy emotions just make you TIRED!?

Divorce is a deeply painful, sensitive and private matter. I have the utmost amount of care and respect for him. He still plays an important role in my life, as the father of my children. The person I grew into adulthood with and shared my life with for 16 years. The person I brought children into the world with. The better off he is, the better off the boys are, and the better off I am. So, I will still root for him, always. He is still their hero, and I don’t want that to change.

Divorce, for me, has changed my entire being. I’m learning how to be an independent person (trying). I have more control over my life. I am figuring out who I am and what I want out of this (very short) life. I am learning what it means to take responsibility for my own happiness and not depending on or blaming anyone but myself for my well-being. I am trying to learn how to own my past, my faults, my failures, and how to be a better person. I now have much more self-confidence. It waxes and wanes at times, depending on how well I am taking care of my body, and my mind. But I can truly say I am (mostly) at peace in my life. My main focus in life right now is the wellbeing of my boys and trying to be the best mama to them that I can. I know that to do that, I have to work through my own shit, and get myself together, so I can (teach them how to) live wholeheartedly.

This is my story. ✌🏼💜

“We’re wired for story. In a culture of scarcity and perfectionism, there’s a surprisingly simple reason we want to own, integrate, and share our stories of struggle. We do this because we feel the most alive when we’re connecting with others and being brave with our stories—­it’s in our biology.“

Brene Brown

Do you ever look back at old memories and think “man, I had it great! That was the time of my life! Look how young I was, look how little and cute the kids were, look how healthy I was” etc. and you didn’t fully live in the present and really appreciate what all you had at that time? Did you know, at that time, that you would once think it was the “time of your life?”

Thinking about your life right now, are you happy? Do you live mindfully, do you feel at peace? Do you appreciate all that you have? Why not? Are you fully present in your day-to-day life, or do you have the mindset of “I’ll be happy when… I accomplish this or that, or I’ll be happy five years from now, 10 years from now…?” In 20 years, you are going to look back on this exact time and think “man, I had it so good then, times were so great, look how young I was, look how much energy I had, look how thin I was!” And you’re going to wish you were back in THIS exact time. Right now, you’re going to wish you could go back in time and fully enjoy and live in the moment with what you have RIGHT NOW – TODAY! Today. This moment. So, enjoy it! Fully LIVE every day of your life! Otherwise, it’s a waste. This is your reminder; this is your wakeup call! Don’t waste this precious time right now. Don’t look back years from now and wish you had enjoyed your life more. Just choose to enjoy it right now. Appreciate that you are still alive and breathing, because someone took their last breath yesterday. Someone right now is dying of a terminal illness and WISHES they have what you have, TIME left to LIVE. Embrace wherever you are in your journey. Even if it feels like you’re stuck in a rut, or you feel down in the dumps, fully experience and live it so you remember what the low points feel like, so when a good feeling comes along, you’ll appreciate it that much more!

“I used to think the best way to go through life was to expect the worse. That way, if it happened, you were prepared, and if it didn’t happen, you were pleasantly surprised. Then I was in a car accident and my wife was killed. Needless to say, expecting the worse didn’t prepare me at all. And worse, I still grieve for all of those wonderful moments we shared and that I didn’t fully enjoy. My commitment to her is to fully enjoy every moment now. I just wish she was here now that I know how to do that.” – excerpt from “Atlas of the Heart,” Brene Brown.

These are wonderful reminders to ENJOY the time you have alive while you still can, because why not? Why waste precious moments of life sulking, complaining or being miserable, or longing for the past or future? This is your plea to not spend another day being unhappy, reserved, withdrawn, protective, or afraid of getting hurt. You WILL get hurt, whether you worry about it in advance or not. You WILL be let down, disappointed, and will fail, no matter how prepared you are, and it will still hurt. Get out there and live life to the fullest before it is too late!

Sometimes I feel so strongly about something that I wish I could just turn the feelings off. Be numb. Make things easier. Make the pain go away. But then I think, other times I have felt numb or no feeling at all in a situation that I thought I should, or even wanting to be feeling something. Anything. But no tears, no excitement.

I think, what is wrong with me? Am I dead inside? Am I a robot, like I’ve been told before? Why am I so numb? Will it ever come back? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

To me, to really feel feelings, and be able to express them, is to be alive, and feeling alive is amazing! Yeah, sometimes feelings suck, and they hurt, and can even cause tremendous pain and anxiety, but sometimes feelings are really, truly amazing and wonderful! I want to feel alive. I don’t want to go back to that place. Sometimes feelings can be very complicated. But it is better than staying numb. During periods of my life, I have lived in a state of emotional detachment. It is said to be a coping mechanism in dealing with trauma or high levels of stress or anxiety. I have had to make a great deal of effort in my life to dig deep and get in touch with my emotions, and now my closest friends would tell you I could be one of “the most emotional people they know.” In my opinion, it is much better to live the highs and lows, than to not feel. To close oneself off and not allow any feeling for fear of pain or getting hurt, is not fully living wholeheartedly. And we stagnate.

Just because something hurts or is uncomfortable doesn’t mean we need to shove it aside or make it disappear as fast as possible. For healing, when you’re ready, sit with it, feel it, and work through it and let it go, or else it will surely find its way back to you again and again. I think we all have a natural tendency to want to distract or numb ourselves from uncomfortable feelings (through drinking, drugs, food, sex, etc.) and that’s not really healthy. Sometimes we’re just not ready yet, and that’s OK too. But It’s in that discomfort zone where all the growing takes place. So, talk it out, write it out, scream, cry, exercise, plant a garden, meditate- do whatever works for you, as many times or as long as it takes. There is no timeline. Then let it go. You will feel so much lighter.

I found this excerpt from something I had written over a year ago. I remember I felt proud of myself (and surprisingly lighter) after the fact, for working through something, and acknowledging it, and rising from it:

I had three hours of ugly, loud, hard crying last night. Weeping actually. Then I didn’t sleep well at all. I felt really sad and sentimental. The whole time that I was feeling this deep emotional intense pain, I wanted it to go away. I remembered the work I had been doing on myself and reminded myself I have to work through it, sit with the discomfort. I knew it would pass. I knew I would feel alive again and see the light again, and I am just experiencing a feeling. I have to fully feel it, and it will pass. Even though in the moment I wept and cursed as I laid on the floor curled up into a ball, in anguish, and felt so scared. I have always been afraid of feeling sad and lonely and scared. Of being truly alone. Looking back now, I lived through those big scary feelings that I knew would hit eventually, and I am still alive and breathing, and now less scared. I lived through The Big Scary Thing.

I hope you find your courage, too. I hope you fall in love with feeling alive again. 💜