The recurring theme I feel that is the most important piece of living a meaningful life, is showing up for people, and showing love and kindness to others. At the most challenging points in my life, I wouldn’t have survived (or would have felt very dark and alone) had other people not shown me kindness or lent a helping hand. This is a choice people make, not something they’re “required” to do, or have to do because of their job. It’s out of the kindness of their hearts, by choice, to help someone in need, or to do a kind act or show a kind gesture, whether big or small, or just show up for someone. I notice, I feel it, appreciate it, and try to always pass it on.
At the end of the day, it is acts of love and kindness that I will remember others for, and hope others remember about me.
What really is meditation anyway? Do you sit on the floor with your legs crossed and hold your hands out, close your eyes, and hum or something??
It doesn’t have to be. I think meditation is letting your mind go into a deep thought, with no distractions. It’s usually in a quiet environment with minimal interruptions. Sitting in a comfortable position maybe? Clearing the mind completely out, and focusing on a certain thought, or feeling. Dictionary.com says meditation is “continued or extended thought; reflection; contemplation.” It doesn’t have to be anything fancy. Anyone can meditate, anywhere.
So here is my example of a time I accidently meditated that led to an epiphany for me:
One day a few years back, I was sitting in the doctor’s office for what felt like an eternity. I was already in the little room checked in by the medical assistant now just waiting for the doctor to come in. At first I felt a little annoyed because it was taking so long. But then, I just sat there, and I realized I hadn’t had this much time alone; quiet in my own thoughts for a very long time (this happens when you have small children). It’s sad now that I think about it that alone time at a doctor’s visit was considered a break for me. And as I sat there, I went into a deep thought. Looking back, this was such a pivotal day for me in my life.
I thought about what it is that is most important to me in my life, how I can spend the most amount of time I can doing that, and how I can be the very best person I can be. Really, just the basic questions we all should ask ourselves, right? This is what guides the way we live our lives without us really thinking about it or putting this action into words. We live our life according to a set of priorities, whether we do it intentionally or not.
So I thought to myself, my kids are what are most important to me right now in my life. I want to spend the most amount of time with them that I can, and I want it to be quality time. I want to raise them well. I want them to be healthy and smart. So, how do I go about doing that? Do I quit my job? No, then I have no money to be able to provide for them. OK, so I have to find balance. I need enough money to buy them necessities, plus make sure we have fun, and I provide them new experiences and opportunities. I also have to pay for quality childcare while I’m at work. These are all the financial type things to balance.
I want to spend time with my kids when I’m not working, but I want it to be quality time. I can’t run off and constantly be doing things for myself while they’re with a sitter, but I also need to make sure I find some time for myself so I keep my sanity. I want to enjoy the time I spend with them, not feel completely stressed out and at a loss for patience and yelling all the time. So these are things to consider when balancing my time doing this or that between work/home, and myself/kids.
Then I think about what feelings I have about myself and what kind of person I am, and in what light my kids see me. So, if I want to raise happy and healthy kids, they need a happy and healthy role model. So how do I make sure I can be one? I think about all the things in my life that give me anxiety, and what eats away at my confidence. What things am I scared of? Now, how do I go about fixing those things? This is my mental health balance.
Well, I have anxiety in a social setting when I talk to people that I don’t know that well. For example, out at a party where I don’t know many people. Why do I feel anxious, I ask myself? Hmm… well I grew up in a family that didn’t do a lot of small talk. We were all pretty quiet and introverted. (I didn’t really realize this until later in life.) I’m not so good at making new friends, or having a lot of close relationships for that matter. I’m not so good at chit chat. But, I love to have deep, philosophical conversations and really go back and forth over a concept with someone. Some get annoyed, and may call this arguing, but this is how my dad and I roll. I like to talk about emotions, life, psychology, and why people are the way they are. I’m not a quick thinker or talker. I don’t come up with quick, witty responses. I think sometimes I have a weird sense of humor, or try to make weird jokes that often people don’t get. Anyhow, I feel like I have some mild social anxiety because of some of my personality quirks. Often I do a good job of covering it up, and you may never know when talking to me that I’m struggling, or have to put in a good amount of effort to seem “normal.” If I know you well and I am comfortable with you, I may not have to put in effort at all.
Anyway, what does all this mean? Well, I decided this social anxiety came from a lack of confidence in myself. I worry that I’m going to say something weird, and someone might think I’m weird. Any why do I care? Because I want to be liked. I think I am seeking for people to like me, because I don’t think I’m very likeable. Hmm. Why aren’t I likeable? Well growing up, I looked up to my older brother a lot. And I think I felt like he didn’t like me very much. So that was a factor. Also, I never had a super close relationship with my mom. Come to find out, she is just wired that way, due to the way she was raised. It’s not a lack of love for me, she just doesn’t know how to show her emotions sometimes. Neither does my brother. I had a close friend that I grew up with and her home was practically my second home, her mom my second mom, and it worked out so well because they are the two most emotional people I have ever met in my life, in a good way. I guess a little bit of that rubbed off on me, and I have them to thank for a little bit of my normalcy in knowing how to express emotion.
Now, in this meditation, I realized that I needed to first work on the relationship with my mom in order to be comfortable with building relationships with other people in life. I didn’t have any sisters. All my friends I had growing up were pretty much the same ones throughout the years. I learned to make friends as a kid, and never really learned how to make friends outside of that, or keep relationships going. If I got upset or annoyed with someone, I just kind of backed off and took space from them until the feeling rolled away. I didn’t confront things.
So to build better relationships, I would be a happier person, and therefore be a happier mommy. I could teach my kids how to have healthy and happy relationships, and I could keep a happy relationship with them as well. See how this all ties back to my stated priority of how do I raise happy and healthy human beings?
I believe every action we take indirectly affects those around us.
For example, if I choose to stay up late, this will affect not just me, but my family too. I might have less energy tomorrow, be grumpy, less productive. It may affect my immune system to where I will be more succeptible to getting sick. Others will have to pick up the slack due to me being less productive. I may perform lesser at work, and be less mentally alert. I may not want to play with my kids tomorrow or be as fun or patient with them as they deserve. See, all these possible outcomes simply from me making a choice to stay up later than normal, even if it was to do something productive or necessary rather than for fun. Maybe I chose to stay up and do laundry or clean. Maybe I stayed up so I could study or work on a project for work. The benefits of that might be necessary, it may be the only time I have to do whatever it is that needs done, but there are still consequences and my actions still effect those around me. So, I always need to take that in consideration. I also need to take ownership in my choices. See, it actually is a choice. Maybe by planning ahead, I could do the laundry today while the kids are napping, (instead of watching that TV show I was going to watch) so I can go to bed early tonight, so that I can be more well rested and present tomorrow with my kids.
Although, maybe I really needed that mental break while the kids were napping. Maybe I was already stressed and about to snap, so I needed to just sit and watch some TV instead of doing any more house work, and I wanted to put the housework off until after bedtime. I didn’t care if it made me stay up later, I just needed a mental break during naptime. Then, would it be worth it that I’ll feel tired and grumpy tomorrow in order to stay sane with my kids today? Also, this is why we shouldn’t judge other people’s choices. We are not in their heads or their shoes. They likely have reasons unknown to us why they chose to do what they did.
There’s always more than one way to look at a situation and decision. Just know that whatever you decide to do with your time, there are always good or bad consequences that go along with it. And as adults, we are able to choose our actions. Even if it means choosing to stay home from work for a mental health day, or stay up late to have some quiet time without kids, or wake up a little earlier than normal to get something accomplished. We can choose how we talk to others, whether it’s hurried and impatient, or kind and calm. That can set the tone for the day and affect other’s moods around us. These are all choices we can make when it seems like we are stuck and don’t have any control in our lives.
So after this whole long drawn out story, what is the epiphany I had, you ask?
I realized that I am in control of my life and destiny, and I can choose what I want to happen, and I can choose who I want to be in this life. I can choose to be stressed, unhappy, rushed momma, and play the victim, or I can choose to see the positive and be happy and appreciative for what I have on this earth, and enjoy what time I have with my loved ones. I can choose to be brave, and outgoing, and take risks. I can choose to make my kids a priority and teach them all I possibly can, and speak to them warmly and lovingly and not treat them like a nuisance or annoyances. I’m blessed to be their momma. To them, I am their whole world. They won’t care what my clothes and hair and purse looks like. They won’t care if the house was always spotless and dusted, and the lawn was perfectly manicured all the time. They are going to care if their parents were loving, and patient, and spent time with them, and made them feel special and important.
So I’m going to do whatever I need to do to stay healthy so I can be around awhile for them, and take care of myself so I have energy to play with them. Have energy to efficiently take care of the house so I have more time leftover for them. Have strong mental health to be a good employee so I have money to spend on them, and to set a good example to them. I will manage my money responsibly so I will have less stress because I’m able to pay my bills on time and take care of the necessities.
I will keep healthy relationships so my children can see what they look like. The people in my life give me balance and keep me sane. I can bounce my thoughts and ideas off of them to keep me on track in life. It takes a village to raise kids. We also need witnesses to our lives. Ever think about that? What significance is our lives if there is no one to witness what we do, or no one to tell our stories to, or be in our stories with us. Our kid does something awesome, and what do we want to do, call someone up and tell them about it, right? Imagine having no one to tell any of your stories to. No spouse, no friends, no family. See, thinking about it, makes you realize how valuable the people in our lives are. Without them, we have nothing.
Ahhh. And you thought this was going to be some hippie post about how to meditate. Thank you for reading this very long post all the way to the end, that’s dedication. I hope you got something out of it. Now you know way too many details about me, more than you probably should or wanted to.
Leave me a comment if this helped you think about taking control and making changes in your life; how the smallest of choices have big effects; and how meditation can help you change your mindset, focus, and goals.
In choosing how I go about living life, I try to think about who I want my children to see as a role model. How do I hope for them to act as they grow up? What morals do I hope to instill in them? What temperaments do I hope for them to have? What will they take away from having me as their mother? Will they have patience and compassion towards others? Will they fly off the handle whenever something doesn’t go their way? Are they quick to judge a situation and react, or can they carefully consider each side before reacting? Do they make fun of others, talk behind others backs, or are they encouraging and helpful to others? Do they have eyes that lookout for the underdog, for the kid sitting alone who feels left out, or do they even notice?
I already see the way my oldest son interacts with his younger brother, and it nearly brings me to tears at times. He is so kind and caring. I see reflections of ways I have acted toward him when he was upset or struggling with something, not even thinking in the moment that I am the example. Sometimes I am proud, and other times ashamed (of my behavior). While they are so young, I take responsibility for their behavior. Either way, their little eyes are always watching, and I see them repeat with their little hands and mouths what they see and hear. It’s a reminder to be mindful of what I am doing in my daily life. Am I just going through motions, or am I actively setting good example and demonstrating what it is to be a kind and decent human being. If I do nothing else to contribute to this world, I hope it is raising two kind and loving human beings.
Kids are super stressful to raise, and even the most patient parent loses their tempers and yells at times (you’re lying if you say you haven’t). We are always questioning if what we’re doing is right, did I handle the discipline correctly, or did I do more harm than good? Am I working too much? Do they have enough time away from me? You wouldn’t be a good parent if you didn’t think about these things at times. But how do we stay sane, and have patience, and be that fun and energetic parent our children need? I’m going to tell you the secret.
It starts with loving yourself first, and the rest will follow. It leads to taking care of yourself. Having a love for life, and love for others.
Yep. That is the secret to being a healthy person, parent, spouse, anything really. And that starts with loving yourself. If we don’t love ourselves enough to take care of our needs, then we will suffer in all areas of life. We definitely won’t reach our full potential. We will be stressed out, angry, spiteful, and dull. All work and no play makes a stressed out mama.
Let’s start taking time to reflect what it is we really want/need to do to feel better and more relaxed. Let’s do something nice for ourselves once in a while. Maybe it’s allowing ourselves the time to meet up with friends for dinner or drinks, or it’s taking alone time to read a book. Maybe it’s planning a vacation, or taking time to exercise. Make time everyday to stretch and move your body. Sometimes it means saying no, like saying no to an extra project at work, or for a night out when all you really want to do is stay in.
Take time to take care of yourself and your needs, and your mind and body will thank you for it.
Make loving yourself a priority.
I’m curious, what do you do to take time for yourself and show yourself some love?
I was told twice this week by different families “I could never do what you do.”
I will take this as a compliment. I will take this as “I see you. You work hard, you deal with difficult and sometimes traumatizing life and death stuff. You hold it together when you want to melt down, when you want to cry, when you want to snap back at someone for snapping at you, but you know you shouldn’t, and can’t.”
You know they are going through quite possibly one of the worst days and/or weeks of their lives right now. You know you can’t hold anything they’re saying against them. They’re scared, they’re full of anxiety. Sometimes they feel so out of control of the situation that they try to control whatever it is left that they can.
You think to yourself “ today I will let it slide. Today I will give them grace, I will have patience, and stay kind in my response.” Today we will stay silent and let them have a moment. Sometimes no response is needed. Just holding their hand, or a hug. We will smile warmly and reply “I can’t possibly imagine what you’re going through right now. This must be so hard for you.” We answer their questions, more than once. Then we do it again the next day or with the next family member. We get them ice water, coffee, more coffee. A warm blanket. It doesn’t matter. These are the least of things we can do for someone watching their loved one die in front of them. They’re physically and emotionally drained. They can’t even think straight. They forget to eat. They’re on autopilot. They’re holding on to every last strand of hope they can. Every eye flinch, twitch or movement, they hold onto.
Sometimes I don’t have the heart to tell them it’s a reflex. Who am I to shatter their last piece of hope. Sometimes they need to hear it directly, and sometimes it’s better to let them hold onto whatever hope they have left.
The patient’s family asked me “How do you DO your job?” At first I was taken aback, not quite sure where he was going with this. He said “I appreciate you so much for what you’ve done to take care of my dad. I don’t know how you do this all the time. I could never do this job. Thank you so much.” This time I was fighting back the stinging I felt in the corners of my eyes. I couldn’t break down right now. I was the strong one. It is THEIR dad lying in that hospital bed, breathing loudly, having recently been removed from the ventilator. I looked at my patient. I saw his long gray hair that I had spent 30 minutes washing and combing, and picking the glue out of that held all the little wires in place. The wires that told us his brain was so severely damaged that he will likely never make a meaningful recovery. They removed the wires yesterday and unwrapped his head to reveal this long gray hair that I had no idea he had. Yesterday, I knew today would be “death day,” as I called it in my head. They had planned to remove life support and make him a “comfort care” only. I had to make him look nice and presentable for his family the next day. The day he was going to exit this earth. I washed, and I combed every last little tangle, and smoothed it down, and he looked nice and clean. I Washed the crusties out of his eyes, washed the dried saliva from the corners of his mouth. I Cleaned the dried blood off his hands so his family members can hold them. It will make them feel better, I told myself. I tidied the room, and cleared out any equipment we weren’t using. I Replaced the suction containers full of bile and mucus. Yuck. They don’t need to see that stuff. I turned on the soothing guitar music they had requested the previous day. It was nice. I grabbed three boxes of tissues. I knew they would be needed.
I looked back at his son. I told him “It took me a long time as a nurse to come to terms with death and dying, and really be ok with it. I know sometimes death is not the worst thing to happen to someone.” I am here to help people die with dignity and ease their pain and suffering during the transition. I am here to walk grieving families through this difficult process. I hope that by doing what I do, it makes this horrible day a little less painful for you and for them. I try to give you the answers to questions you didn’t even know you had. I try to make it so you don’t have to think so hard about the “stuff” and just hold your loved ones hand. I try to make their transition out this world as comfortable as possible. I facilitate families however they need, trying to anticipate needs. I grab chairs, I call chaplains, I grab tissues, coffee, water. I hold hands, I give hugs. I answer questions. I do it all with warmth and a smile.
Then I go next door to my other patient and pretend I didn’t just leave a room full of crying people, or we didn’t just pronounce someone dead. And now I will smile and take your dinner order, and give your medication, and help you to the bathroom. I will listen and apologize as your daughter complains about how long they had to wait for me to get in the room to take your dinner order. I can’t tell them what I’ve been doing, just “I’m so sorry, I have been with another patient, yes, you are important to me too, yes I understand this is the ICU. I’m very sorry you had to wait so long for me. I am here now and happy to help you. You have my undivided attention.” All still with a smile.
I’m always curious about why people are the way they are. What in their past has led up to this current person that they are? All our past experiences shape us into the person we are today.
The way I see it, there are two types of curiosity: the nosy type, and the compassionate type. The nosy type wants the details for gossiping reasons, or just because they want to know the juicy stuff. They might laugh at someone, or snicker about it with their friends. They might use this information against someone in the future.
The compassionate type might notice a person acting strange, and instead of laughing at them, wonders if they might have something else going on causing them to act this way. A mental illness? Are they going through a stressful situation? Are they uncomfortable or nervous right now? Do they have social anxiety, are introverted, or depression? Maybe you just met someone who doesn’t seem so friendly, maybe a little cold in their tone, instead of thinking “What a jerk!” wonder what she has going on in her life to cause her to feel and act this way. Maybe her loved one is dying? Self-esteem issues? Maybe she’s going through a divorce? Maybe she has a family member battling addiction? We don’t know these things. Everyone is fighting a battle of some sort, they may not always talk about it. I guarantee you, anyone you ask right now, has some sort of stress or worry in their life. It could seem insignificant to your battles, but you are not in their shoes, you do not know their whole story.
Try to give people grace and show compassion where you can. They will appreciate it more than you know.
Sometimes the kindest people are the ones who are most sad on the inside. But often times the unkind people are the ones who need kindness shown to them most. They are hurting in some way, and they are probably showing it through anger. It’s really, really hard to be kind to someone who is straight up being an asshole. You can often tell the difference when someone is just cruel and a jerk, or did they lash out, then feel horrible about it, because they don’t want to be that way, and that’s not their true self.
The way I see it, it is rarely wrong to be kind. Sometimes it only takes kindness from one person to hit that “reset” button, and show them a different way to be. Someone to give them a chance. That’s how we will change the world. We can change somebody’s life with kindness. It may be one simple act that you do for that person, and they never forget it. It may change their outlook altogether. I know I have had people in my life say or do something that had a life changing impact on me.
If somebody is acting angry, rude, or just seems weird, try to be curious and think “why?” next time. More understanding often leads to more compassion, and we all know the world could use a little more compassion and understanding.
If somebody has done something or said something helpful to you, tell them! Tell them how it made you feel, or how they helped you. It may be days or even years later before you realize it, but tell them now! They may never know, and you may not have the chance again. Speak up! If you have something nice, complementing, or encouraging to say, and it’s from the heart, then tell that person today. It will never be wrong if it’s meaningful and from the heart.
I once had a co-worker, a good friend, tell me it was difficult to work with me lately because I was so negative all the time, and it brought her down. She said it in a kind, but worried way. It stopped me dead in my tracks, and made me re- examine the way I had been acting. Was I complaining all the time? Yeah. Yeah I had been. I just didn’t realize it, or realize it was affecting others. I am SO glad she told me. That was ten plus years ago. I recently, about a year ago, told her how much I appreciated her saying that to me back then, and how it changed me. It really made an impact, because ever since then I have tried to be extremely mindful of what I project outward to others. I cannot always control my thoughts or things going on around me, but I sure can control what comes out of my mouth! She didn’t remember saying it, but I remembered, and I thanked her nonetheless.
I’m curious… what are your thoughts about curiosity and compassion? I would love for you to leave a comment. Let’s form a community of lifting each other up and spreading love and kindness.
Peace Love and Curiosity 