The recurring theme I feel that is the most important piece of living a meaningful life, is showing up for people, and showing love and kindness to others. At the most challenging points in my life, I wouldn’t have survived (or would have felt very dark and alone) had other people not shown me kindness or lent a helping hand. This is a choice people make, not something they’re “required” to do, or have to do because of their job. It’s out of the kindness of their hearts, by choice, to help someone in need, or to do a kind act or show a kind gesture, whether big or small, or just show up for someone. I notice, I feel it, appreciate it, and try to always pass it on.
At the end of the day, it is acts of love and kindness that I will remember others for, and hope others remember about me.
Who is the authority that can answer the question “What is the meaning of life?” Interestingly, I googled that question. Then I thought to myself as I was scrolling, who would be a valid, reliable source that I want to read, that could adequately answer that question? How do you prove yourself to be a “reliable” source for a question like that? Do you look to religious leaders? Philosophers? Psychologists? Or your most intelligent friend, your parents, your spouse?
I think the meaning of life, has to come from within. NO ONE can tell YOU what YOUR meaning in life is. Even if they tried, how can you validate that they’re right? What makes someone else the authority on YOUR life? Isn’t this a highly personal question? Lots of people can have opinions. They can hold multiple degrees from prestigious universities, but no two people will have the exact same answer. There is no guidebook to “living life” that we follow, to tell us what the “meaning” is. (Is there?) Some might look to the Bible. Others don’t believe in the bible. What is one person’s belief against another? (Hasn’t there been wars broken out over this in history?)
I wonder, if most people are going through life trying to find meaning, or their meaning, for their life. To find a sense of purpose. Everyone wants to make a difference, to stand out, to stand for something, to be remembered for something great. For their legacy to live on, so to say. I hope even a sliver of mine will carry on through my children.
I can only be as good of a mother as I am of a person. I am continually trying to grow, broaden, learn and strengthen my mind, perspectives, horizons, and relationships, while maintaining balance in my life. It requires constant work and focus. I sometimes grow weary, and have my moments of discouragement.
My overall purpose and desire in life is to leave a positive stamp on the world through demonstrating love, compassion and kindness to others, and nurturing and cultivating that in my children so they can do and receive the same. I hope for them to find joy everyday and flourish in this world.
Once again, I am reading the newest book by Brene Brown – “Atlas of the Heart.” I stumbled upon this book while I was browsing my local bookstore with my nieces. As I was standing there checking out, I saw on display, under “new arrivals” a book by Brene Brown. I didn’t care what it was, because I love Brene Brown so much, I knew I wanted to buy it.
This is a book all about different emotions, but is separated into different categories of feelings or situations we find ourselves in. It breaks down the feelings behind the feeling, when we’re sorting through something in life such as “when we’re hurting,” we’re feeling things such as anguish, hopelessness, despair, sadness, grief, and breaks down each emotion and how it differs from the other similar feelings. It is titled “Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience.”
In the “regret” section, she quoted George Saunders from his speech at a Syracuse University Graduation “What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness. Those moments when another human being was there, in front of me, suffering, and I responded…Sensibly. Reservedly. Mildy.”
That really caused me to pause, and reflect.
Try to picture yourself, at the end of your life, reflecting back on your moments of regret. Do you regret not taking that risk, not being vulnerable and putting yourself out there because you were scared and lacked confidence? Not daring to be brave and trying something new, to protect yourself from failing and risking embarrassment? Do you regret not trying something you know you could have achieved or enjoyed? What if you would have just went for it? What’s the worst that could have happened- you failed? OK, so you built character, you learned from it. You may have had a bruised ego, for like, a second. Then moved forward. You probably went on to do better than you would have, had you not tried and failed to begin with. Trying and failing helps us grow. Would you regret it if you stood idly by while someone else was picked on, and didn’t stand up for them- didn’t put yourself out there to help comfort or build that person up, when you know you could have? That is something to regret. That is what George Saunders is talking about.
Life is much better when you go out of your way to show kindness to someone else. Don’t look or ask for recognition for it either. You don’t need to tell someone else, or post it on social media, looking for people to “like” it or tell you “good job!” or what a good person you are. Skip that. Just do good, when you can, because you can. Feel good about yourself from an internal source, not from external validation. Trust that eventually, somewhere in the world, someday, it will carry forward and pay off, if you need to believe that in order to do it. Putting good out into the world actually will help make the world a better place. I whole heartedly believe in the ripple effect. In “paying it forward,” if you will. And you will feel better about yourself if you always make the choice that is “good,” not just for you, but you choose what is “right, and fair.”
I think when you live your life with integrity and morals, and with less judgement, you naturally build better self esteem. You don’t live in a “shame” state as much. You don’t feel as bad about yourself for being unkind, or lying or cheating, etc. and can move forward feeling good about your choices, which in turn helps you make more good choices. When we are feeling bad about ourselves, we make poor decisions to comfort ourselves sometimes, right? I know I have.
There is an epidemic going on right now with our society, and it starts with US. We are raising children who have anxiety about everything, who need INSTANT gratification, and do not know how to build healthy relationships. In my opinion, much of this is the result of technology. In many, many ways, advanced technology is wonderful and necessary, but are we paying close attention to what it is doing to our mental health, as a society?
How many people do you know right now, as adults, that have some form of anxiety or depression? It seems to be more people than not. Many are on medication or self-medicate one way or another. (And no, I’m not advocating that medication is bad.) There is so much pressure in society to compare to one another. We share snapshots on social media of our best selves, and curate “perfect” moments, and much of that isn’t even real, and even if it is, it is not an accurate picture of our everyday life. It is like trying to compare yourself to TV characters and think that is real life. No wonder kids feel depressed, or pressure to have this or that newest item.
Technology also gives you the “instant” response to everything. Kids grow up thinking that is how everything in life happens. They have the mentality of “If I don’t get immediate reward, I will go somewhere else and find it.” Steady, hard work and focus seems to be a thing of the past. People get too restless if a situation isn’t immediately ideal. They want all the reward and money to buy all the latest things right now, and if they can’t afford it, let’s put it on credit card.
I believe there has been an effort by society to take feelings and emotions more into account, which is a good thing, but it can also backfire. Now, instead of facts of a situation also being honored, someone’s feelings about a situation may be more highly honored. If I “feel” this way about something, or if someone “made” me feel this way, then it is true, (even if it isn’t true). Considering the context, this can be a positive or negative thing. Kids start to think they can use these feelings as a crutch – “I can’t complete this task because of my anxiety, I need a mental health break,” then they get out of whatever task they didn’t want to do, or became too hard, instead of using coping skills to work through it, and still get the job done. A person can develop grit and perseverance by being forced to try a little harder and push through to accomplish something. It’s a fine line, but usually this develops good qualities in a person.
On the other end on this same spectrum, more attention to mental health is a very good thing for those with true diagnoses, and who need the extra assistance and attention, who may otherwise had to struggle unnecessarily.
What really is meditation anyway? Do you sit on the floor with your legs crossed and hold your hands out, close your eyes, and hum or something??
It doesn’t have to be. I think meditation is letting your mind go into a deep thought, with no distractions. It’s usually in a quiet environment with minimal interruptions. Sitting in a comfortable position maybe? Clearing the mind completely out, and focusing on a certain thought, or feeling. Dictionary.com says meditation is “continued or extended thought; reflection; contemplation.” It doesn’t have to be anything fancy. Anyone can meditate, anywhere.
So here is my example of a time I accidently meditated that led to an epiphany for me:
One day a few years back, I was sitting in the doctor’s office for what felt like an eternity. I was already in the little room checked in by the medical assistant now just waiting for the doctor to come in. At first I felt a little annoyed because it was taking so long. But then, I just sat there, and I realized I hadn’t had this much time alone; quiet in my own thoughts for a very long time (this happens when you have small children). It’s sad now that I think about it that alone time at a doctor’s visit was considered a break for me. And as I sat there, I went into a deep thought. Looking back, this was such a pivotal day for me in my life.
I thought about what it is that is most important to me in my life, how I can spend the most amount of time I can doing that, and how I can be the very best person I can be. Really, just the basic questions we all should ask ourselves, right? This is what guides the way we live our lives without us really thinking about it or putting this action into words. We live our life according to a set of priorities, whether we do it intentionally or not.
So I thought to myself, my kids are what are most important to me right now in my life. I want to spend the most amount of time with them that I can, and I want it to be quality time. I want to raise them well. I want them to be healthy and smart. So, how do I go about doing that? Do I quit my job? No, then I have no money to be able to provide for them. OK, so I have to find balance. I need enough money to buy them necessities, plus make sure we have fun, and I provide them new experiences and opportunities. I also have to pay for quality childcare while I’m at work. These are all the financial type things to balance.
I want to spend time with my kids when I’m not working, but I want it to be quality time. I can’t run off and constantly be doing things for myself while they’re with a sitter, but I also need to make sure I find some time for myself so I keep my sanity. I want to enjoy the time I spend with them, not feel completely stressed out and at a loss for patience and yelling all the time. So these are things to consider when balancing my time doing this or that between work/home, and myself/kids.
Then I think about what feelings I have about myself and what kind of person I am, and in what light my kids see me. So, if I want to raise happy and healthy kids, they need a happy and healthy role model. So how do I make sure I can be one? I think about all the things in my life that give me anxiety, and what eats away at my confidence. What things am I scared of? Now, how do I go about fixing those things? This is my mental health balance.
Well, I have anxiety in a social setting when I talk to people that I don’t know that well. For example, out at a party where I don’t know many people. Why do I feel anxious, I ask myself? Hmm… well I grew up in a family that didn’t do a lot of small talk. We were all pretty quiet and introverted. (I didn’t really realize this until later in life.) I’m not so good at making new friends, or having a lot of close relationships for that matter. I’m not so good at chit chat. But, I love to have deep, philosophical conversations and really go back and forth over a concept with someone. Some get annoyed, and may call this arguing, but this is how my dad and I roll. I like to talk about emotions, life, psychology, and why people are the way they are. I’m not a quick thinker or talker. I don’t come up with quick, witty responses. I think sometimes I have a weird sense of humor, or try to make weird jokes that often people don’t get. Anyhow, I feel like I have some mild social anxiety because of some of my personality quirks. Often I do a good job of covering it up, and you may never know when talking to me that I’m struggling, or have to put in a good amount of effort to seem “normal.” If I know you well and I am comfortable with you, I may not have to put in effort at all.
Anyway, what does all this mean? Well, I decided this social anxiety came from a lack of confidence in myself. I worry that I’m going to say something weird, and someone might think I’m weird. Any why do I care? Because I want to be liked. I think I am seeking for people to like me, because I don’t think I’m very likeable. Hmm. Why aren’t I likeable? Well growing up, I looked up to my older brother a lot. And I think I felt like he didn’t like me very much. So that was a factor. Also, I never had a super close relationship with my mom. Come to find out, she is just wired that way, due to the way she was raised. It’s not a lack of love for me, she just doesn’t know how to show her emotions sometimes. Neither does my brother. I had a close friend that I grew up with and her home was practically my second home, her mom my second mom, and it worked out so well because they are the two most emotional people I have ever met in my life, in a good way. I guess a little bit of that rubbed off on me, and I have them to thank for a little bit of my normalcy in knowing how to express emotion.
Now, in this meditation, I realized that I needed to first work on the relationship with my mom in order to be comfortable with building relationships with other people in life. I didn’t have any sisters. All my friends I had growing up were pretty much the same ones throughout the years. I learned to make friends as a kid, and never really learned how to make friends outside of that, or keep relationships going. If I got upset or annoyed with someone, I just kind of backed off and took space from them until the feeling rolled away. I didn’t confront things.
So to build better relationships, I would be a happier person, and therefore be a happier mommy. I could teach my kids how to have healthy and happy relationships, and I could keep a happy relationship with them as well. See how this all ties back to my stated priority of how do I raise happy and healthy human beings?
I believe every action we take indirectly affects those around us.
For example, if I choose to stay up late, this will affect not just me, but my family too. I might have less energy tomorrow, be grumpy, less productive. It may affect my immune system to where I will be more succeptible to getting sick. Others will have to pick up the slack due to me being less productive. I may perform lesser at work, and be less mentally alert. I may not want to play with my kids tomorrow or be as fun or patient with them as they deserve. See, all these possible outcomes simply from me making a choice to stay up later than normal, even if it was to do something productive or necessary rather than for fun. Maybe I chose to stay up and do laundry or clean. Maybe I stayed up so I could study or work on a project for work. The benefits of that might be necessary, it may be the only time I have to do whatever it is that needs done, but there are still consequences and my actions still effect those around me. So, I always need to take that in consideration. I also need to take ownership in my choices. See, it actually is a choice. Maybe by planning ahead, I could do the laundry today while the kids are napping, (instead of watching that TV show I was going to watch) so I can go to bed early tonight, so that I can be more well rested and present tomorrow with my kids.
Although, maybe I really needed that mental break while the kids were napping. Maybe I was already stressed and about to snap, so I needed to just sit and watch some TV instead of doing any more house work, and I wanted to put the housework off until after bedtime. I didn’t care if it made me stay up later, I just needed a mental break during naptime. Then, would it be worth it that I’ll feel tired and grumpy tomorrow in order to stay sane with my kids today? Also, this is why we shouldn’t judge other people’s choices. We are not in their heads or their shoes. They likely have reasons unknown to us why they chose to do what they did.
There’s always more than one way to look at a situation and decision. Just know that whatever you decide to do with your time, there are always good or bad consequences that go along with it. And as adults, we are able to choose our actions. Even if it means choosing to stay home from work for a mental health day, or stay up late to have some quiet time without kids, or wake up a little earlier than normal to get something accomplished. We can choose how we talk to others, whether it’s hurried and impatient, or kind and calm. That can set the tone for the day and affect other’s moods around us. These are all choices we can make when it seems like we are stuck and don’t have any control in our lives.
So after this whole long drawn out story, what is the epiphany I had, you ask?
I realized that I am in control of my life and destiny, and I can choose what I want to happen, and I can choose who I want to be in this life. I can choose to be stressed, unhappy, rushed momma, and play the victim, or I can choose to see the positive and be happy and appreciative for what I have on this earth, and enjoy what time I have with my loved ones. I can choose to be brave, and outgoing, and take risks. I can choose to make my kids a priority and teach them all I possibly can, and speak to them warmly and lovingly and not treat them like a nuisance or annoyances. I’m blessed to be their momma. To them, I am their whole world. They won’t care what my clothes and hair and purse looks like. They won’t care if the house was always spotless and dusted, and the lawn was perfectly manicured all the time. They are going to care if their parents were loving, and patient, and spent time with them, and made them feel special and important.
So I’m going to do whatever I need to do to stay healthy so I can be around awhile for them, and take care of myself so I have energy to play with them. Have energy to efficiently take care of the house so I have more time leftover for them. Have strong mental health to be a good employee so I have money to spend on them, and to set a good example to them. I will manage my money responsibly so I will have less stress because I’m able to pay my bills on time and take care of the necessities.
I will keep healthy relationships so my children can see what they look like. The people in my life give me balance and keep me sane. I can bounce my thoughts and ideas off of them to keep me on track in life. It takes a village to raise kids. We also need witnesses to our lives. Ever think about that? What significance is our lives if there is no one to witness what we do, or no one to tell our stories to, or be in our stories with us. Our kid does something awesome, and what do we want to do, call someone up and tell them about it, right? Imagine having no one to tell any of your stories to. No spouse, no friends, no family. See, thinking about it, makes you realize how valuable the people in our lives are. Without them, we have nothing.
Ahhh. And you thought this was going to be some hippie post about how to meditate. Thank you for reading this very long post all the way to the end, that’s dedication. I hope you got something out of it. Now you know way too many details about me, more than you probably should or wanted to.
Leave me a comment if this helped you think about taking control and making changes in your life; how the smallest of choices have big effects; and how meditation can help you change your mindset, focus, and goals.
Recently I’ve really been into reading books by the amazing author Brené brown. I’m obsessed! I feel like reading her books is changing my life. Like I have found a golden roadmap for navigating life. It’s so exciting, and I feel like I want to share it with everyone! I have read “Dare to Lead” and “Rising Strong.” “braving the wilderness,” “The gifts of Imperfection,” and “Atlas of the Heart.” Here are some thoughts I’ve taken away so far that can be applied to any aspect of life whether it be work, relationships, raising kids, etc.
Brene’s books have taught me about courage and vulnerability. Vulnerability – to let someone know where you’re tender or what you care about the most.
“We need trust to be vulnerable, and we need to be vulnerable in order to build trust. BOTH involve risk. That is what makes courage so hard and rare. Rumbling with vulnerability is about leaning into rather than walking away from the situation that makes us feel uncertain, at risk, or emotionally exposed.”
“I can’t think of a single act of courage that doesn’t require managing massive vulnerability.” Vulnerability is not weakness.
What does setting boundaries mean? “It is making clear what is okay and what is not okay, and why. Vulnerability minus boundaries is not vulnerability. It’s confession, manipulation, desperation, or shock and awe. But it is not vulnerability.”
“I care about you and I’m sorry that you’re going through a hard time, but I need to talk to you about what’s ok and what’s not ok.” – setting boundaries.
“Wholeheartedness – engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. Cultuvating courage, compassion and connection to wake up in the morning and think “no matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I AM ENOUGH. Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable, and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am brave and worthy of love and belonging. Wholeheartedness captures the essence of a fully examined emotional life and a liberated heart, one that is free and vulnerable enough to love and be loved, and a heart that is equally free and vulnerable to be broken and hurt.”
Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval.
Why do we insist on dress rehearsing tragedy in moments of deep joy? Joy is the most vulnerable emotion we feel. Allow yourself to recognize the shiver of vulnerability – that “oh shit, I have something worth losing now” feeling – and to just sit with it, and be grateful that you have something you want, in your hand, that it feels so good to hold and recognize.
integrity- choosing courage over comfort, choosing what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy, and choosing to practice our values rather than simply professing them.
Deltas – (change) are where rivers meet the sea. They’re marshy, fully of sediment, and forever changing. That are also rich and fertile areas of growth. This is where we need to do our work, our key learnings emerge from the delta.
“Do you think, in general, that people are doing the best they can? All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best. It keeps me out of judgement and lets me focus on what is, and not what should or could be.”
When we know better, we do better.” Maya Angelou
Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.
How can we expect people to put value on our work when we don’t value ourselves enough to set and hold uncomfortable boundaries?
We don’t judge people when we feel good about ourselves. We don’t compare when we’re feeling good about ourselves, we look for what’s good in others. When we practice self-compassion, we are compassionate towards others. I’m better than you and I’m not good enough are two sides of the same coin. Self-righteousness is just the armor of self-loathing.
Reality check time. Sometimes, the struggle is real, y’all.
Life is not always pretty.
I try to be that happy, positive, nice person every day, but sometimes I just can’t. Sometimes I run out of juice.
Sometimes I just want a day to vent all my problems, and cry, and feel depressed, and act bitchy. I want to call off work for a mental health day. I want to take my kids to the babysitter just so I can be alone all day. I want to lay on the couch and watch TV and take naps. I want to just relax. I want to go get a massage and pedi/mani, have lunch with my friends and order too many expensive drinks.
Sometimes I just want to be lazy. Sometimes I let my kids watch tv or play on the computer for more hours than I’d like to admit just so I can relax. Sometimes I go a week or two with just wearing clothes out of the laundry baskets without them ever making it to a hanger. Sometimes I go to work and don’t feel like talking to anyone all day. I put my smile on and I just sit in my corner and do my job.
Sometimes I want to say screw the extra shifts, the extra projects, the house cleaning, all the shit I have to do or am supposed to do.
Sometimes I want to make bad choices, because they feel good. Sometimes I just want to give in, and live in the moment.
I really try to put good vibes out into the world. I try to be genuine, honest, kind and caring. I try to be a good mom and raise decent human beings. I try to spread hope and positivity. But dammit, sometimes the negative is too strong. Sometimes shit is depressing and it gets ya’ down and ya’ just need a day.
I’m a real person. I’m not always rainbows and sunshine. Sometimes I feel this way, but despite it all, I’m still out there trying to find happy and focus on the good stuff. You won’t see this side of me, or a post like this often, but here you go.
Always, just always remember, the next day I get back up, dust myself off, and go on with my badass self.
This post was written in the past, in what I like to call “the thick of it.”
When do you feel like you have “made it” in life? Would you describe yourself as “successful?” Does the answer to these questions change with time? If you were asked these questions 5 or 10 years ago, would you answer them describing your current situation, but now that you have it, does it feel like “success” is another step away? Does happiness equal success, or does success make you happy?
I believe the answers to all of these questions are quite subjective and very different to everyone. So, how can we compare our success to another person’s success? If we do not see a person as successful in our eyes, does that mean they are not, and vice versa? Who gets to define “success” in life? I believe we can only define it for ourselves.
This pondering always takes me back to the troubling thought of “I’ll be happy when…” which leads to never being satisfied, and not allowing yourself to fully feel happy with where you are in life. I think setting goals and pushing ourselves to be great is healthy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate where you are right now. It’s a fine line between a healthy amount of drive for self-improvement, and never feeling like “enough.”
“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we will ever do.”
Brene Brown
It’s been one year since I’ve posted.
Where do I begin?
It’s interesting how we never want to talk about, or publicize, what we’re going through while going through it. Only after the fact, once it’s done, in hindsight, can we openly talk about it. When the wound is fresh and raw, and vulnerability is at an all-time high, the mind races with anxiety. You’re just holding on to survive, hour-to-hour sometimes. Will people ask me about it, when I run into them out in public? How will I react? I’ll probably cry. I don’t have the strength for that. Will the school moms judge? I’ll stay away from public places, and I’ll avoid people in general, until I am strong enough, to not cry. How do you ever go back to “normal?” What about mutual friends? What about in-laws? Holidays? Co-parenting? Everything changes.
More time passes, and over the course of the year, the tears would still come whenever I’m alone behind the wheel. Whenever I hear certain songs. Especially whenever it’s pick up/drop off time. Whenever I have a minute to myself, to think. When I’m in the shower. When I see him. When someone innocently asks, “How are you? What’s new?” Honestly though, I have learned that most people don’t really care what’s going on in other people’s lives, because they’re just trying to figure out how to navigate their own, and if they want to gossip or judge, let them. (They are usually the ones we need to feel sorry for.)
“We don’t judge people when we feel good about ourselves. We don’t compare when we’re feeling good about ourselves, we look for what’s good in others. When we practice self-compassion, we are compassionate towards others. I’m better than you and I’m not good enough are two sides of the same coin. Self-righteousness is just the armor of self-loathing.” (Brene Brown)
Today, the tears come less often, (but they still hit sometimes, out of nowhere.) I can now wear mascara more often. Overall, I am much stronger. I can go weeks at a time without napping (my coping mechanism.) Is it just me or do heavy emotions just make you TIRED!?
Divorce is a deeply painful, sensitive and private matter. I have the utmost amount of care and respect for him. He still plays an important role in my life, as the father of my children. The person I grew into adulthood with and shared my life with for 16 years. The person I brought children into the world with. The better off he is, the better off the boys are, and the better off I am. So, I will still root for him, always. He is still their hero, and I don’t want that to change.
Divorce, for me, has changed my entire being. I’m learning how to be an independent person (trying). I have more control over my life. I am figuring out who I am and what I want out of this (very short) life. I am learning what it means to take responsibility for my own happiness and not depending on or blaming anyone but myself for my well-being. I am trying to learn how to own my past, my faults, my failures, and how to be a better person. I now have much more self-confidence. It waxes and wanes at times, depending on how well I am taking care of my body, and my mind. But I can truly say I am (mostly) at peace in my life. My main focus in life right now is the wellbeing of my boys and trying to be the best mama to them that I can. I know that to do that, I have to work through my own shit, and get myself together, so I can (teach them how to) live wholeheartedly.
This is my story. ✌🏼💜
“We’re wired for story. In a culture of scarcity and perfectionism, there’s a surprisingly simple reason we want to own, integrate, and share our stories of struggle. We do this because we feel themost alive when we’re connecting with others and being brave with our stories—it’s in our biology.“
Peace Love and Curiosity 