Sometimes I feel so strongly about something that I wish I could just turn the feelings off. Be numb. Make things easier. Make the pain go away. But then I think, other times I have felt numb or no feeling at all in a situation that I thought I should, or even wanting to be feeling something. Anything. But no tears, no excitement.

I think, what is wrong with me? Am I dead inside? Am I a robot, like I’ve been told before? Why am I so numb? Will it ever come back? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

To me, to really feel feelings, and be able to express them, is to be alive, and feeling alive is amazing! Yeah, sometimes feelings suck, and they hurt, and can even cause tremendous pain and anxiety, but sometimes feelings are really, truly amazing and wonderful! I want to feel alive. I don’t want to go back to that place. Sometimes feelings can be very complicated. But it is better than staying numb. During periods of my life, I have lived in a state of emotional detachment. It is said to be a coping mechanism in dealing with trauma or high levels of stress or anxiety. I have had to make a great deal of effort in my life to dig deep and get in touch with my emotions, and now my closest friends would tell you I could be one of “the most emotional people they know.” In my opinion, it is much better to live the highs and lows, than to not feel. To close oneself off and not allow any feeling for fear of pain or getting hurt, is not fully living wholeheartedly. And we stagnate.

Just because something hurts or is uncomfortable doesn’t mean we need to shove it aside or make it disappear as fast as possible. For healing, when you’re ready, sit with it, feel it, and work through it and let it go, or else it will surely find its way back to you again and again. I think we all have a natural tendency to want to distract or numb ourselves from uncomfortable feelings (through drinking, drugs, food, sex, etc.) and that’s not really healthy. Sometimes we’re just not ready yet, and that’s OK too. But It’s in that discomfort zone where all the growing takes place. So, talk it out, write it out, scream, cry, exercise, plant a garden, meditate- do whatever works for you, as many times or as long as it takes. There is no timeline. Then let it go. You will feel so much lighter.

I found this excerpt from something I had written over a year ago. I remember I felt proud of myself (and surprisingly lighter) after the fact, for working through something, and acknowledging it, and rising from it:

I had three hours of ugly, loud, hard crying last night. Weeping actually. Then I didn’t sleep well at all. I felt really sad and sentimental. The whole time that I was feeling this deep emotional intense pain, I wanted it to go away. I remembered the work I had been doing on myself and reminded myself I have to work through it, sit with the discomfort. I knew it would pass. I knew I would feel alive again and see the light again, and I am just experiencing a feeling. I have to fully feel it, and it will pass. Even though in the moment I wept and cursed as I laid on the floor curled up into a ball, in anguish, and felt so scared. I have always been afraid of feeling sad and lonely and scared. Of being truly alone. Looking back now, I lived through those big scary feelings that I knew would hit eventually, and I am still alive and breathing, and now less scared. I lived through The Big Scary Thing.

I hope you find your courage, too. I hope you fall in love with feeling alive again. 💜