Month: December 2019

Love Yourself First, Mama

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In choosing how I go about living life, I try to think about who I want my children to see as a role model. How do I hope for them to act as they grow up? What morals do I hope to instill in them? What temperaments do I hope for them to have? What will they take away from having me as their mother? Will they have patience and compassion towards others? Will they fly off the handle whenever something doesn’t go their way? Are they quick to judge a situation and react, or can they carefully consider each side before reacting? Do they make fun of others, talk behind others backs, or are they encouraging and helpful to others? Do they have eyes that lookout for the underdog, for the kid sitting alone who feels left out, or do they even notice?

 I already see the way my oldest son interacts with his younger brother, and it nearly brings me to tears at times. He is so kind and caring. I see reflections of ways I have acted toward him when he was upset or struggling with something, not even thinking in the moment that I am the example. Sometimes I am proud, and other times ashamed (of my behavior). While they are so young, I take responsibility for their behavior. Either way, their little eyes are always watching, and I see them repeat with their little hands and mouths what they see and hear. It’s a reminder to be mindful of what I am doing in my daily life. Am I just going through motions, or am I actively setting good example and demonstrating what it is to be a kind and decent human being. If I do nothing else to contribute to this world, I hope it is raising two kind and loving human beings.

Kids are super stressful to raise, and even the most patient parent loses their tempers and yells at times (you’re lying if you say you haven’t). We are always questioning if what we’re doing is right, did I handle the discipline correctly, or did I do more harm than good? Am I working too much? Do they have enough time away from me?  You wouldn’t be a good parent if you didn’t think about these things at times. But how do we stay sane, and have patience, and be that fun and energetic parent our children need? I’m going to tell you the secret.

It starts with loving yourself first, and the rest will follow. It leads to taking care of yourself. Having a love for life, and love for others.

Yep. That is the secret to being a healthy person, parent, spouse, anything really. And that starts with loving yourself. If we don’t love ourselves enough to take care of our needs, then we will suffer in all areas of life. We definitely won’t reach our full potential. We will be stressed out, angry, spiteful, and dull. All work and no play makes a stressed out mama.

Let’s start taking time to reflect what it is we really want/need to do to feel better and more relaxed. Let’s do something nice for ourselves once in a while. Maybe it’s allowing ourselves the time to meet up with friends for dinner or drinks, or it’s taking alone time to read a book. Maybe it’s planning a vacation, or taking time to exercise. Make time everyday to stretch and move your body. Sometimes it means saying no, like saying no to an extra project at work, or for a night out when all you really want to do is stay in.

Take time to take care of yourself and your needs, and your mind and body will thank you for it.

Make loving yourself a priority.

I’m curious, what do you do to take time for yourself and show yourself some love? 

The Other Side of Nursing

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I was told twice this week by different families “I could never do what you do.”

I will take this as a compliment. I will take this as “I see you. You work hard, you deal with difficult and sometimes traumatizing life and death stuff. You hold it together when you want to melt down, when you want to cry, when you want to snap back at someone for snapping at you, but you know you shouldn’t, and can’t.”

You know they are going through quite possibly one of the worst days and/or weeks of their lives right now. You know you can’t hold anything they’re saying against them. They’re scared, they’re full of anxiety. Sometimes they feel so out of control of the situation that they try to control whatever it is left that they can.

You think to yourself “ today I will let it slide. Today I will give them grace, I will have patience, and stay kind in my response.” Today we will stay silent and let them have a moment. Sometimes no response is needed. Just holding their hand, or a hug. We will smile warmly and reply “I can’t possibly imagine what you’re going through right now. This must be so hard for you.” We answer their questions, more than once. Then we do it again the next day or with the next family member. We get them ice water, coffee, more coffee. A warm blanket. It doesn’t matter. These are the least of things we can do for someone watching their loved one die in front of them. They’re physically and emotionally drained. They can’t even think straight. They forget to eat. They’re on autopilot. They’re holding on to every last strand of hope they can. Every eye flinch, twitch or movement, they hold onto.

Sometimes I don’t have the heart to tell them it’s a reflex. Who am I to shatter their last piece of hope. Sometimes they need to hear it directly, and sometimes it’s better to let them hold onto whatever hope they have left.

The patient’s family asked me “How do you DO your job?” At first I was taken aback, not quite sure where he was going with this. He said “I appreciate you so much for what you’ve done to take care of my dad. I don’t know how you do this all the time. I could never do this job. Thank you so much.” This time I was fighting back the stinging I felt in the corners of my eyes. I couldn’t break down right now. I was the strong one. It is THEIR dad lying in that hospital bed, breathing loudly, having recently been removed from the ventilator. I looked at my patient. I saw his long gray hair that I had spent 30 minutes washing and combing, and picking the glue out of that held all the little wires in place. The wires that told us his brain was so severely damaged that he will likely never make a meaningful recovery. They removed the wires yesterday and unwrapped his head to reveal this long gray hair that I had no idea he had. Yesterday, I knew today would be “death day,” as I called it in my head. They had planned to remove life support and make him a “comfort care” only. I had to make him look nice and presentable for his family the next day. The day he was going to exit this earth. I washed, and I combed every last little tangle, and smoothed it down, and he looked nice and clean. I Washed the crusties out of his eyes, washed the dried saliva from the corners of his mouth. I Cleaned the dried blood off his hands so his family members can hold them. It will make them feel better, I told myself. I tidied the room, and cleared out any equipment we weren’t using. I Replaced the suction containers full of bile and mucus. Yuck. They don’t need to see that stuff. I turned on the soothing guitar music they had requested the previous day. It was nice. I grabbed three boxes of tissues. I knew they would be needed.

I looked back at his son. I told him “It took me a long time as a nurse to come to terms with death and dying, and really be ok with it. I know sometimes death is not the worst thing to happen to someone.” I am here to help people die with dignity and ease their pain and suffering during the transition. I am here to walk grieving families through this difficult process. I hope that by doing what I do, it makes this horrible day a little less painful for you and for them. I try to give you the answers to questions you didn’t even know you had. I try to make it so you don’t have to think so hard about the “stuff” and just hold your loved ones hand. I try to make their transition out this world as comfortable as possible. I facilitate families however they need, trying to anticipate needs. I grab chairs, I call chaplains, I grab tissues, coffee, water. I hold hands, I give hugs. I answer questions. I do it all with warmth and a smile.

Then I go next door to my other patient and pretend I didn’t just leave a room full of crying people, or we didn’t just pronounce someone dead. And now I will smile and take your dinner order, and give your medication, and help you to the bathroom. I will listen and apologize as your daughter complains about how long they had to wait for me to get in the room to take your dinner order. I can’t tell them what I’ve been doing, just “I’m so sorry, I have been with another patient, yes, you are important to me too, yes I understand this is the ICU. I’m very sorry you had to wait so long for me. I am here now and happy to help you. You have my undivided attention.” All still with a smile.

Does Curiosity Foster Compassion?

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I’m always curious about why people are the way they are. What in their past has led up to this current person that they are? All our past experiences shape us into the person we are today.

The way I see it, there are two types of curiosity: the nosy type, and the compassionate type. The nosy type wants the details for gossiping reasons, or just because they want to know the juicy stuff. They might laugh at someone, or snicker about it with their friends. They might use this information against someone in the future.

The compassionate type might notice a person acting strange, and instead of laughing at them, wonders if they might have something else going on causing them to act this way. A mental illness? Are they going through a stressful situation? Are they uncomfortable or nervous right now? Do they have social anxiety, are introverted, or depression? Maybe you just met someone who doesn’t seem so friendly, maybe a little cold in their tone, instead of thinking “What a jerk!” wonder what she has going on in her life to cause her to feel and act this way. Maybe her loved one is dying? Self-esteem issues? Maybe she’s going through a divorce? Maybe she has a family member battling addiction? We don’t know these things. Everyone is fighting a battle of some sort, they may not always talk about it. I guarantee you, anyone you ask right now, has some sort of stress or worry in their life. It could seem insignificant to your battles, but you are not in their shoes, you do not know their whole story.

Try to give people grace and show compassion where you can. They will appreciate it more than you know.

Sometimes the kindest people are the ones who are most sad on the inside. But often times the unkind people are the ones who need kindness shown to them most. They are hurting in some way, and they are probably showing it through anger. It’s really, really hard to be kind to someone who is straight up being an asshole. You can often tell the difference when someone is just cruel and a jerk, or did they lash out, then feel horrible about it, because they don’t want to be that way, and that’s not their true self.

The way I see it, it is rarely wrong to be kind. Sometimes it only takes kindness from one person to hit that “reset” button, and show them a different way to be. Someone to give them a chance. That’s how we will change the world. We can change somebody’s life with kindness. It may be one simple act that you do for that person, and they never forget it. It may change their outlook altogether. I know I have had people in my life say or do something that had a life changing impact on me.

If somebody is acting angry, rude, or just seems weird, try to be curious and think “why?” next time. More understanding often leads to more compassion, and we all know the world could use a little more compassion and understanding.

If somebody has done something or said something helpful to you, tell them! Tell them how it made you feel, or how they helped you. It may be days or even years later before you realize it, but tell them now! They may never know, and you may not have the chance again. Speak up! If you have something nice, complementing, or encouraging to say, and it’s from the heart, then tell that person today. It will never be wrong if it’s meaningful and from the heart.

I once had a co-worker, a good friend, tell me it was difficult to work with me lately because I was so negative all the time, and it brought her down. She said it in a kind, but worried way. It stopped me dead in my tracks, and made me re- examine the way I had been acting. Was I complaining all the time? Yeah. Yeah I had been.  I just didn’t realize it, or realize it was affecting others. I am SO glad she told me. That was ten plus years ago. I recently, about a year ago, told her how much I appreciated her saying that to me back then, and how it changed me. It really made an impact, because ever since then I have tried to be extremely mindful of what I project outward to others. I cannot always control my thoughts or things going on around me, but I sure can control what comes out of my mouth! She didn’t remember saying it, but I remembered, and I thanked her nonetheless.

I’m curious… what are your thoughts about curiosity and compassion? I would love for you to leave a comment. Let’s form a community of lifting each other up and spreading love and kindness.